Agent L - A Short Story

It was December 24th, and I was huddled in my thin overjacket, much too light for this weather. The snow has stopped, but the aftertaste of frost hung in the air like chemically sweet perfume. In downtown Chicago, at this time of night, this time of year, it's both dead and busy. Darkness enveloped every turn and niche, but just as there was darkness, there was always light.
The name's Agent L. Don't ask me what the L stands for. Even I don't know. What am I an agent of? Also confidential. The only thing I can tell you is that I need to find the files before the Others do. Who are the Others? Damn, you ask a lot of questions.
I continued walking briskly past the illuminated neon shop signs, taking brief notice of my complexion in the reflections. What I saw did not surprise me, as I have gone days without sleep. My hair was disheveled and sticking together with sweat, and even my clothes matched the dirty, careless look I had apparently been going for. Those dark, gaunt eyes stared back at me like a ghost waiting for the opportune moment to appear and finally put an end to me. I looked away.
Finally, I arrived at my destination. Past a maze of alleyways and shortcuts, the tall looming Victorian style house of Dr. Ortega stood before me. Poison ivy and various shriveled shrubs had taken over the small plot of soil in front of the house. Even in this dim moonlight mixed with various synthetic city lights, the disrepair of this house was evident. The windows were cloudy and cracked, though still intact, and the deep henna bricks that once would have been a beautifully patterned around the house now was missing so many pieces that it reminded me of my grandfather's teeth, bless his soul. Taking a few cautious steps, I inched my way past the winter-sharpened vegetation  to the grand oak door. Surely, Dr. Ortega couldn't be so careless as to leave his front door open? But with just a simple turn of the knob, the heavy slab of oak opened itself up with an eerily high screech.
I guess he left in more of a hurry than I assumed, I thought.
Taking out my flashlight, I scanned the room beyond the door. It looked normal enough, except for the fact that the musty smell of disuse proved how long ago Dr. Ortega had abandoned his work. With almost silent steps, I made my way further into the old house, glad that I was at least out of the cold for now. Knowing the inside of this building all too well, I started walking upstairs in the dark, aided by only my memory. There should be a turn, a squeaky step, followed by a sharp-cornered little coffee table. How did I remember these things? It was so long ago that... My thoughts were interrupted by the high-pitched laughter of a child.
"Aren't you supposed to be all cozy under your blankets? Santa's coming you know."
Not easily startled, I pulled out my pistol from my belt, aiming at the general direction of the voice. My eyes had adjusted to the darkness, and with the softest glow of light coming from the window, I could see the silhoulette of a little boy. I have learned long ago never to underestimate children, so my pistol remained firm in my grip.
"Who are you?" I asked.
The child did not respond, but instead, backed up farther into the room I had intended to search through.
"Hey! Get back out here! Don't think I'm afraid to shoot a kid 'cause buddy, I'm not," I said grimly.
After a few silent moments, the little boy came back out with something in his hands. It was a pile of papers, hurriedly stuffed into a paper file folder. And as luck would have it, that's just the pile of papers I was looking for.
"Look at you! All helpful and whatnot. Here, hand it over..." I said with a big smile on my face.
But as luck would have it, he had a gun in his other hand. Before I could process that information, an immense pain exploded in my knee. As I keeled over in agony, I tried to take a shot back at him. It was too late, he had disappeared from my view. Suddenly, something cold touched the back of my head. It was my own pistol, but I was not the one holding it. The voice I heard was the last one I could possibly expect.
"I told you never to come back," said the deep, cold voice.
Impossible.
"You should've been with the rest of 'em. What the hell are you doing back?"
That can't be.
"Have you lost the ability to talk? Speak, Goddammit!"
I couldn't bear it anymore. Slowly, I turned around with my hands raised, only to be met by the face of... Dr. Ortega?
"But... That's impossible," I said. "You're supposed to be dead. I saw you die! I... I killed you!"
My world was spinning. Nothing was making sense. The day Dr. Ortega left this house... No. He never left this house. He died here. I was the one that left in a hurry. My brothers and sisters...
"After all this time, you still have the nerve you show your face here! The things you did to this family... I oughta blow your head up right now."
I remember now. It's too late though. I can't change what I've done. I'm so sorry.
BANG!
Crimson washed over my vision. The corner of a brochure stained.

***

My name is Lucas Ortega, and I live here in this big house with my brothers and sisters. My daddy is a doctor, and he adopted all of us into one big happy family. Sometimes, he does these weird spearmints on us, and they hurt, but I still love him. I wish I could control my anger, but daddy says being angry is good. He says I'm going to be big and strong and be his bodyguard one day. I really hope I can get strong faster, I really want to keep daddy and my sisters and brothers safe.

***

I shouldn't have taken those extra pills. Daddy said not to. I was so angry. I don't even know why I was so angry. There's so much red stuff everywhere. Why isn't anyone moving? Lazy butts. We were supposed to go camping today.

***

"Not your typical suicide, huh?"
Flashes of cameras and the rustling of plastic filled the cramped house of Dr. Ortega.
"Looks like this case had finally been put to an end. Tragic it had to end this way... Everybody got such a terrible fate in the end."
"After all these years, why did he escape from the asylum and shoot himself in the head? It just doesn't make sense."
"Who knows what kind of mush that kid's brain has turned into? That Ortega was a demon, doing all those experiments on children."
Sounds of scrubbing the floorboards.
The corner of a Whitelake camping brochure stained.
The zip of a body-sized bag.

Guys, Really.

Now that everyone's back, Y WE STILL NO HANG OUT??

I know that it's difficult to find times when everyone's free, but for now, what's wrong with mini get-togethers?

Yes, you guys have jobs, and yes, you guys have busy lives outside of your jobs. But c'mon, sacrifice ONE evening to even just to briefly chat with a friend you haven't seen in half a year!

It just really sucks when you come back to your home after months of living thousands of miles away, but most of my close friends don't even send a text saying "welcome back."

FYI, I'm completely free until I find a job. Drop by whenever, I've been trying out a lot of new recipes recently, so we have excess food in the house anyway.

Analysis of "Lord Anthony"

Today, I will be doing something a little different: an interpretation of one of my favourite songs!

I love Belle & Sebastian, and this song really stood out to me, so I decided to nerd out and type out my thoughts about it, lol. (The English exam is already in the past but OH WELL).

Even if you hate English and all the deciphering shenanigans, I still highly recommend listening to the song!

Lord Anthony – Belle & Sebastian

Anthony, bullied at school
Get your own back now you are cool
Or are you scared bunking off though you're a toff?
It's all gone wrong again, you've got Double Maths.

It starts by setting the tone, which is slightly accusing. The song focuses on Anthony, who is a student who suffers a lot of bullying. Now for some British slang. “Bunking off” means playing hooky, and a “toff” is someone of a higher class. A picture of Anthony is starting to form now, and for me, it is a picture of a boy in middle school trying to fit in the “cool crowd.” However, he gets made fun of for coming from a richer family (I’m guessing mainly blue-collared families send their kids to this school) and also for being above average in academics (just as he was close to setting a cool appearance for himself, they find out he’s taking smart kid math classes).

For the accusing or mocking tone, this is seen in “now you are cool,” which gives a sense that the speaker is challenging Anthony, and also “are you scared,” which is a phrase many adolescents use to get others to do stupid things.

But the teacher's got no control
The boys all run riot
"You will stay quiet or you will die."

This reflects on the condition Anthony’s school is in. I don’t know much about the British education system, but I did do some research about it. From the little knowledge I have on the subject, it appears to me that there is less control in the social sphere of students (please feel free to correct or add to that, I would actually really like to know more about European education systems). By this, I mean that issues such as bullying in schools aren’t emphasized as much as it is in North America. Perhaps the teacher does recognize the problem, but getting involved would not only use up personal time, it would also likely be difficult to really change anything (one teacher can’t change an entire culture, but if everyone has this mindset, there definitely won’t be any progress).

Anthony can’t even confront about being bullied because of that threat of death.

Tony, at the back of the gym
Smoke another one, your chances are slim,
'Cause here they come again
And they got you on the ground.
Tasting blood again;
At least it's your own.

That last line really stood out to me. What an incredibly optimistic comment for such a terrible situation! This gives an idea about how common being beat up is for poor Anthony. Being beaten to the ground until he tastes blood is something he has experienced before (who knows how many times), and it’s become so routine that he has no choice but to find a bright side to it.

When will you realize it doesn't pay
To be smarter than teachers, smarter than most boys?
"So shut your mouth, start kicking the football."
Bang on the teeth. You are off for a week, boy.

Before I even looked up the lyrics to this song, this is the part that I kept repeating in my head. The meaning of it is just so sad (and it can apply to both genders, as I will elaborate on later). Again, the commanding tone of the speaker shines through. He’s empathetically looking at Anthony, wondering when he will realize that being unique will only make the bullying worse. The only way Anthony can temporarily escape the harassment is by conforming to the ideal masculine role of playing football.

You may as well take it in the guts, it can't get worse.
Just take it in the guts, it can't get worse than this.

This is where I start to get the idea that the speaker is Anthony himself, but later in his life. He’s looking back on his youth, chanting to himself that the pains will be over (they are over now).

'Cause you'll soon be old enough to leave them
Without a notion of a care
You'll leave two fingers in the air
To linger there.

At first, I thought “two fingers” meant a salute or peace sign, but then I remembered that putting up two fingers in the shape of a V is meant to be offensive in the UK. The speaker is reassuring Anthony that the bullying will soon be but a bad memory, and he can safely leave it with a final “screw you guys” attitude.

Tony, you're a bit of a mess;
Melted Toblerone under your dress.
If the kids could see you they would pass you right by.
Blue mascara running over your eye.

This was so confusing to me the first few times I read it. The words “dress” and “mascara” really contrasted with the tough guy image Anthony was forced to keep up in school. I interpret this to mean that Tony has left that image behind along with his memories, and now he is a completely different person that the bullies would pass by without a glance. The person he has become is the real Anthony, and he has finally worked up to courage to go out in public as himself. I think that Anthony is probably transgendered, and the “melted Toblerone” is subtly referring to his biological male bits. Because he is a wearing a dress and mascara is running over his eye, it probably means that the season is now summer so chocolate would melt. Not to fill your imagination with images of melting… parts, but it’s symbolic for the disappearance of Anthony’s old life.

When will you realize it doesn't pay
To be smarter than teachers, smarter than most boys?
"Shut your mouth, start kicking the football"
Bang on the teeth. You were off for a week, boy.

As promised, I will talk about what I meant by the other gender. When I first listened to this song, I thought that “it doesn’t pay to be smarter than teachers, smarter than most boys” meant that it wasn’t beneficial to girls. Know-it-alls aren’t especially liked, and since this school isn’t up for social equality, being a female know-it-all would be fatal. Anthony probably knew this, so he has to refrain from showing not only his intellect, but also his feminine side. A boy dressing as a girl would be even more of a no-no in unaccepting communities like this.

(Anthony. it could be worse)
(Anthony, it could be worse)

Suddenly, Sarah Martin’s beautiful voice appears! Soft and feminine, it stands out from the rest of the song. This could mean that Anthony finally decides to show his true personality. These lines are repeated in the background for the next part, like the voice in the back of your head, pointing out the obvious.

They call you Lord Anthony but hey, it could be worse.
Lord Anthony but hey, it could be worse.
Lord Anthony but hey, it kind of suits you anyway...

According to Urban Dictionary, “Lord Anthony” refers to someone who thinks highly of themselves and look down upon others. This links back to “toff,” but neither of these names are extremely offensive. Perhaps this is why Anthony keeps repeating “it could be worse,” because he knows that if the kids found out who he really was, they would be doing much worse things to him. The continuation of “Anthony, it could be worse” in the background hints as what it is that Anthony is hiding.

Also, a “Lord Anthony” is some jacket that’s common with kids on the playground, or something. I really don’t know about this one, I think it’s used like how we use “Canada Goose” here?

You'll soon be old enough to leave them
Without a notion of a care
You'll leave two fingers in the air
To linger there.

I actually searched up the name “Anthony” and all the meanings behind it to see if there’s some clever hidden meaning. Sadly, this is as straightforward as it gets. Well, it depends on how you interpret it. The origin of Anthony comes from the Roman general Marcus Antonius (Mark Anthony), which is pretty much confined to masculine use. Now that I think about it, this makes sense. Anthony is “confined” to a masculine gender ideology, unable to express his real personality in fear of being harassed.

Believe it or not, all of this isn’t even everything I want to say. I could go on to analyse every single word, but for everyone’s sake, I’ll just leave it at this.

The moral of the story is: majoring in English is fun! Some people may say that breaking down a piece of writing is pointless, but I think that it’s an enriching experience.

1) It gave me a deep understanding, something I can’t achieve by only listening to it over and over, of a song I love.

2) I have given more thought to issues of bullying, discrimination of class, and the inner struggles of a non-dominant sexuality.

3) The uniqueness of education systems in different cultures has piqued my interest. This and #2 will be useful for my teaching career in the future.

4) I also learned some British slang! Yay!

TL;DR: “Lord Anthony” is a great song and you should listen to it along with many other Belle & Sebastian songs :D

I am an Acne-Covered Caterpillar

I noticed something recently, and surprisingly, it’s not just happening to me. This may be an overgeneralization due to my limited availability to see people at all (come on, tiny university-town), but I’ve noticed that Asians have JUST STARTED PUBERTY. I’m not talking about growing tall, voice deepening, gonads developing kind of puberty per se, but more of the stereotypical awkward wonders of acne! It seems like since university started, all the Asians I know (including me, because I know myself) have developed a spotty complexion. My chin has become a magical elf forest of pimples. It is actually astounding how it manages to grow so much crap when I wash and tone my face twice a day, never touch my face without washing my hands, and don’t use makeup every day. Where the hell does it even get the materials to churn out all these little monsters! What is this, alchemy? Turning lead into gold! Little annoying pustules of gold! (Ew). Rather, turning nothing into ALL OF THESE THINGS GAHHH WHYYYY ASDJF;ASJDF;

(Let’s have an intermission. The reason why I am so worked up about this is because for my whole life, I have always prided myself in being the only one with perfect skin WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING MORE THAN WASHING IT WITH WATER. I would legit get compliments from strangers (which were sometimes a little creepy…) about how nice my skin was! They would ask what my secret is, and I’d be all “I HAVE NONE.” My mom always said, “I never had acne when I was little, so you have nothing to worry about! Your skin will always be this clear!” SHE LIED. LIAR. DAMMIT KARMA KFJD;DKAFSJ; T____T I don’t blame her. Somehow, western society turns people soft… For example, have you noticed that allergies are only common in North America? That’s a topic for another day; right now I’m busy talking about HOW MAD I AM THAT MY PERFECT SKIN HAS TURNED INTO THIS SEURAT PAINTING OF PIMPLES)

So back on topic. I noticed that a lot of my Asian friends have had similar difficulties with taming their skin recently. One theory is, of course, stress. Holy balls, peeps weren’t kidding when they said university has a shit-ton of work… (Before any of you say “hey, you’re in arts, you don’t have any work!” lemme tell you a story: FUCK YOU.) We don’t drink or party, yet there’s still never enough time to do anything… We’re not watching Asian dramas the whole time I promise… My second theory is the puberty thing! It’s possible that we’re only experiencing pizza face now at this delayed (and frankly, terrible) timing because we age differently or something. Wow, now this sounds racist. No but seriously, it seems like all of my Caucasian friends have grown out of their awkward teenage cocoon and emerged as a fucking beautiful butterfly (good God, everyone is pretty), but I’m de-evolving into a caterpillar… AN ACNE-COVERED CATERPILLAR.

As you can see, I am not taking this whole skin thing very well. It’s actually quite cruel how life has lulled me into a false sense of security, making me think that I’ve somehow dodged a bullet, and then BAM the bullet pulls a 180 and shoots me in the back of the head. Oh God, I’ve never had chicken pox either, that better not be a boomerang…

P.S. I refuse to use gross chemically products like Proactiv or benzoyl peroxide because I’M NOT PART OF THE SYSTEM!!! (I may not seem like it, but I’m really for them all-natural products and such…)

P.P.S. Asians reading this: please don’t take offence! It’s just me derping around with observations because I notice random things like this (not like I have work to do… just a few major papers and such…).

So what do you think the reason is for this acne epidemic? Yes, I am calling it an epidemic. Don’t try to be all “mmm nawww I don’t gots nah pimplez,” ‘cause I see them gurl, or guy! I see dem… Your pimples can’t hide from me… Okay yes it’s sleepy-time for me…

So Why are You Still Single?

I was going to do an episode about this on last week's vlog, but then I realized that nobody in my primary audience, the Pegvloggers, is single.

Oh well, I still have a burning urge to rant about being single. No, I am not going to complain about being single myself, I am going to give my opinion about why people are single and the reactions they have to it (which is most often really pathetic).

The inequality of the sexes – a MYTH (males and females are really at the same standing)

It is not more difficult for guys to get girlfriends, nor vice versa.

For people who think it’s easier for girls to find boyfriends: “You have boobs, therefore…” is not the beginning of a good argument. Guys who think girls have the upper hand because all women are beautiful and have vaginas blah blah blah NO. Just GTFO. They say they will take anything they get if only there would be some girl, ANY girl who would be interested in them. That is full of shit. Most of the times, they will turn down any girl who is not up to their ridiculous standards of good looks, generosity, and cup size (remember that I’m only talking about the guys who are still single, “don’t know why”, and complain all the time). Then they proceed to omit these girls from their memories, at the same time still complaining that, for some odd reason, they still can’t find a girlfriend.

People who think it is easier for guys to get girlfriends are also stupid. Due to stereotypical gender roles that have not made much progress in recent years, it’s still expected of the male to make the first move/do all the work. Of course, that does not mean that guys should not do ANY work, which some guys seem to think is the case. There should be a balance of effort from both sides. Come on people, this is the 21^st century, go fight for equality and such. Guys, before complaining about having to do all the work, think about whether or not you have actually DONE any work.

I feel that neither males nor females have an advantage, so both sides should just use that effort they usually use for complaining and put it into developing a meaningful relationship and just generally being less of a crappy person.

The “Friendzone”

It is really getting annoying how this term is used for EVERY rejection situation. It is even more annoying that it is always the guy getting friendzoned (NEWSFLASH! Girls get friendzoned too. Even “brozoned.”)

The guy getting friendzoned is always portrayed as someone who is intelligent, humorous, and very caring. If they are indeed as they describe themselves to be, why would they have so much trouble getting a girlfriend? I don’t think that these people are necessarily lying, but rather altering the truth by means of omission. Nobody is stupid enough to turn down someone who is damn near perfect. There has to be some reason as to why these people are rejected. Perhaps their fault is that they think they have no faults. In any case, it’s unreasonable to completely pin the blame on the person who rejected them. Why just give up and admit defeat to the almighty “friendzone?” Chances are that there is some fault in the one getting friendzoned that the other person is too nice to precisely point out, and that is why they do not want to have a romantic relationship. The best thing to do is to take that as a learning experience and reflect on the aspects of oneself that could use improvement. Besides, if someone you like won’t even put in the effort to see past a little fault BEFORE a relationship, what do you think will happen down the road if you two start a serious relationship?

What do you want?

A seemingly obvious question, but it is surprising how many people forget about this part.

Do you really know what it is specifically that you want? I am not talking about height, hair colour, body shape, etc. I am talking about what you want out of the relationship.

Most people give these general standards for their “dream relationship,” such as “my girlfriend/boyfriend needs to be funny, easy to talk to, and supportive,” but these standards can apply to ANY friend without the need to involve a romantic factor (which is another point for my friendzone argument: if the qualities you are looking for are just the qualities that friends have, why are you so surprised when the other person only wants to be friends with you?).

Find out what it is you are seeking BEFORE going into a relationship. Even better, do that before even starting to look for a relationship (this saves unnecessary letdowns).

I know I’m not a expert of romantic relationships, but LEGIT ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE COUPLES. It’s only natural that I’d learn about these things after a few years. The art of observation is a powerful one.

Hopefully, this has made at least one person more awesome and decreased general world suck. If you’re wary of my “advice” just because I don’t have first-hand experience, then think about this: perhaps it is this prejudice that is what has been causing you misfortune in your dating life. Give people a chance! You’re not so perfect yourself. What may appear to be nothing special at first could very well transform into something very special if only you are patient enough.